Grief

it’s just love with no where to put it

my dad went into the ER on a sunday afternoon. i was in malibu watching the waves as he was thousands of miles away, taking his last strained steps into a place he’d never leave. the waves folded and crashed so beautifully. the tide was gentle yet strong. it continued to turn as my dad began to die. i felt a tear hit my sun burned chest and i smiled softly. there’s still beauty here, there’s still good to be had. it will continue to exist long after my dad has gone but i felt a pang in my stomach knowing he’d never see it. a couple months ago he called and told me he wanted to come here one day, maybe go to napa and drink wine together. holding back tears i said, “yeah of course dad, i’d like that” knowing he wouldn’t make it.

i flew home 3 days later when he went into the ICU. not soon enough to hear his sweet voice one last time. to see his green eyes and crooked smile. toxins had spread to his brain, putting him into a deep sleep that he never woke up from. i walked into the cold sterile room to see a man i didn’t recognize. he had become so frail, his skin yellowed. his eyelashes looked so long under the florescent light. that must be where i got it from - “pretty like your daddy” he’d always tell me.

his room overlooked a beautiful forest of trees that had just turned to their peak of deep reds and yellows. fall was always his favorite time of year. it reminded me of vermont where he grew up. the window looked like a painting.

i gently laid my hand on his cheek, scared to bump the ventilator and IVs. as i held his hand i felt a sinking feeling settle into my body. i thought about how much pain he must of been in to drink himself into this hospital bed at 57. in the back of my head i could hear “today i met the boy i’m gonna marry” from the intro of father of the bride. i watched it on the flight to see him. a nancy meyers classic, my comfort film that brought me the most bittersweet comfort that day. i ached knowing you’d never meet the man i’ll marry. knowing you’d never dance with me at my wedding or hold my babies, if they ever become. i can still feel his beard, white and stubbled in the palm of my hand as i wiped the yellowed tears from the corner of his eye. i can feel the warmth from the wash cloths i used to wipe the dried blood from his mouth and palms. days went by as he got worse and it became agonizing to watch. i spent a couple hours alone with him and told him everything that i was never able to say. such a strange feeling isn’t it? panicking to spill my guts and pour out my heart knowing this is my last chance.

the day we took him off the ventilator i watched as his labored breaths began to slow. a soft smile came across his face and i knew he felt at peace. he had been so tired for the past few years of his life and i know this is what he wanted. i realized that i would now have to live a life without him longer than i had lived a life with him. but he would be at peace now.

i left the hospital that night knowing i wouldn’t see him in the morning. how do you say goodbye to your dad for the last time? no one teaches you that. i leaned over and kissed his forehead. i laid my hand on his chest to feel his faint heartbeat. i can still feel it when i close my eyes. i whispered in his ear, “i love you daddy. i always have, always will. you can rest now.” i paused and took one last look at him. he looked so calm with nothing hooked up to him. in the dim light it just looked like he had fallen asleep on the couch at home. just like he used to when i was little and we’d try to watch a movie together.

i walked out feeling hollow but at peace knowing he’d be able to rest now. somewhere the waves were still crashing while my dad took his last breath. somewhere there was still beauty to be had, there was still good. something that my dad was, deep in his bones, he was good. and i’ll always remember that part of him. hold it close to my heart whenever i think back to that faint heart beat under my hand. i’ll remember sleeping on his chest as a little girl and the sound of his strong heart beat. when i still called him daddy and he was still sweet to me. when he was the man i needed him to be.

i love you daddy. xo